User Profile

Funny Quotes
As people are coming into the PE locker room...
Ryen Wang: The British are coming! The British are coming!
Matt Laker: ... I'm British.
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"Look! [Baby cows]! Let's kick them!" ~Ryan Chu
"Look, it's Tushar and he brought an Indian with him." ~Unknown (at Lansgiving)
"Dude, Justin's pink! We're going to win!" ~Charlie Lui (we lose though due to a disconnect by Edward Lee; can you say jinxed?)
"I thought you killed it because there was a sound of an orc dying. I guess it was you [Tom]." ~Eric Lee (Tom died five times in a row in Lineage II)
"You're back! I'm going to hump you." ~Alan Lin (humps me when I get back from Spain)
"One day Homer was walking around MSJ until he saw a hot girl. He took off his pants and said, 'I have a small penis.'" ~Wellis Huang
"OMG, pwned. I just tripped and fell and pantsed myself." ~Caye Bohn
"Quick Wellis, this is our last hope! Get on top of me." ~Jed Huang
"If you [Eric Lee] don't get an A in both classes [chemistry and geometry], I will destroy you." ~Winston Chou
"I'm ninja. You don't mess with ninjas." ~Chris Yang
"You smell like a chocolate chip cookie." ~Rosalyn Yu
"Thanks, would you like to grab my vagina?" ~Tara Shankar
"I'm going to kick [Justin] in the balls." ~Lucy Chen
"I mastered Rasengan." ~Justin Hsu
"You know, just to be honest, like, not to be mean, but at 6:45 [am], unless you're an Asian girl with glasses, you're not acing that [chem] test." ~Winston Chou
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Me: I'll suck your penis!
Sister: I'll fuck your ass!
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Winston's mom: The ping pong table was made in Germany.
Winston: You know what else is made in Germany? Nazis!
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"GOD! Where's my hentai? I lost my hentai! Oh, there it is. Hehe, let's listen to it." ~Tom Li
"Does [Megan (my sister)] have enough power to defeat Catherine the Great?!" ~Catherine Yu
"I'm ... not forcing you to commit suicide, I'm asking you to." ~Jerry Yuan
"Interesting... your screen name won't add to my buddylist." ~Catherine Yu
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Me: (singing an excerpt from an Orange Range song) Japanese people~!
Catherine: Japanese pimple?!
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"Milk is for those who can tolerate lactose intolerance." ~Matt Young
"It [eating] was better than sex!" ~Ryan Ko
"WHAT THE FUCK! I lost my sock!" ~Carl Yang
"LEFT! LEFT! LEFT RIGHT LEFT!" ~Volleyball team
"Eric Eric! Where's the nigger?!" ~Homer Chen
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Caye: Can I have some tissues for Rebecca? She has a bloody nose.
Everyone: How?
Caye: I kicked her in the nose.
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Carl: Hey Kenny, why aren't you in football?
Kenny Kwang: Because you're in it.
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Me: Get up and dance.
Catherine: Take off my pants?
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Me: You know what else is cute?
Catherine: Who? What? Me.
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"You know, when I'm old enough and can drive, I'm only going to drive at 100 mph. I'll have people push me until I reach 100 mph and then start the engine." ~Winston Chou
"Guys! It's sunny outside!" ~Shuo Huang
"If I die, I'll cry... AHHH! I got creamed!" ~Catherine Yu
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Eric Hsueh: D as in dog.
Alyssa Liu: It's not dog, it's doggie!
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Winston: Hey Wais, we have the same shoes :]
Wais: Me too.
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Tom: Let's take a vote! Why the fuck is Jonathan [Huang] here?
Eric Lee: I vote yes.
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Charlie: No! Justin's pink! We're going to lose!
Me: Fine, I'll be purple.
Charlie: Yay I'm pink!
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Me: I want a victory :(.
Chris: You should go to victory dot com and buy yourself a drink.
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"Oh yes! Bitch! Uh, I mean women! Respect!" ~Chris Yang
"Your heart only has Catherine but [I] will never give up and will play Maple Story to win your heart back." ~Brian Ho
"I think I'm bug-o-phobic except for butterflies because I like to kill them." ~Catherine Yu
"Yes! Yes! Yes! We get to see the sunriseeee ;)!" ~Eric Lee
"I missed a step in my facial regimen because I wanted to talk to you." ~Catherine Yu
"I can't believe you were last. You're such a disgrace to the Po name." ~Christina "Po" Pao
"Why step outside when you could get hit by a flying bus from Venus?!" ~Winston Chou
"RESIST DRUGS AND VIOLENCE : BAKE COOKIES" ~Winston Chou
"You're like Scrooge. You're not helping the poor." ~Catherine Yu from Monopoly when she had $10 and I had $1900+
"Justin... my hate boils like the boil on your head." ~Lucy Chen because of the same reason above
"The microwave is so handy dandy!" ~Allison Hsueh
"He's going to let her ride his skateboard!!!" ~Yuli Honda
"And so the guy said to the cow, 'I love you! I would never trade you for magic beans!' The End." ~Jennifer Lu
"We should ban you [Jon Huang] for ignorance!" ~Eric Lee
"What?! I've been slain by an Enchanted Tissue Box!" ~Eric Lee
"Your Integra will be no match for my Saab when you crash into me." ~Ryan Ko
"He has 200 dollar cheeeese!!!" ~Jennifer Wu
"Quick! Help me find a guy to leech off of!" ~Shuo Huang
"So today I was walking out of school, and there were a group of girls in front of me. There was some thunder, and they screamed and jumped around and blocked the whole sidewalk. It was annoying and I felt evil so I pushed them into the streeet and they got hit by a car. It was so funny. I didn't really push them into the street." ~Nina Young
"Hey Kinsall. Wanna join us? We're playing dice." ~David Zhao
"Oh no! I forgot to fill my water bottle! Now I'm going to be thirsty the whole day :(." ~Amy Shi
"How do you fail a chapter that doesn't have a number? 'I failed Chapter P!'" ~Angie Wei
"I think the amount of times you die in Counterstrike is directly proportional to your life span. AKA, you suck at life." ~Jerry Yuan
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Mr. Karmali: What's VLT?
Angie: Bacon, lettuce, tomato?
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"If anyone wants to go out during lunch, I'll be at my car." ~Laura Wang
"I don't play sports, but I'm a Cyber Athlete." ~Chris Yang
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Catherine: [Justin's] sitting in the corner repenting his sin and he has a letter A on his chest.
Andrea: What does the A stand for? Adultery?
Catherine: Avertless eyes.
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(taken from Lucy's profile)
Lucy: What's the meaning of life?
Dan: To own a fat monkey.
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"BOOGERS, THAT WAS A KNEE SLAPPER!" ~Catherine Yu
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Jimmy: Don't hate.
Hani: Appreciate.
Ryan Ko: Discriminate.
Alan: Masturbate.
Source
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Me: Guess what rhymes with Andrea?
Andrea: OH GOSH, TELL ALLEN TO SHUT UP!
Me: ?
Andrea: Wow, okay, nevermind. IF YOU SAY IT... wait... What word do you think it is?
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"Want to know what rhymes with Justin?! MUST IN! AS IN, 'I MUST IN BE LATE!'" ~Andrea Chen
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Me: I like your screen name!
Andrea: It's offensive, don't you think? Okay, fine. Don't think. IN FACT, DONT THINK AT ALL.
Me: I didn't even say anything yet!
Andrea: THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
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Jonathan: I like you're music :].
Winston: Grammar mistakes make bunnies cry :-(.
Jonathan: Bunnies must cry alot then.
Winston: A lot is two words, murderer of bunny happiness!
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Catherine: -_- I sound stupid.
Me: =] I think you're hecka cute.
Catherine: HEHHEHE I THINK I AM TOO. *skips towards the rainbow*
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Shuo: Is the nose made out of cartilege or bone?
Andy: Who has a boner?!
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"'I'm a pencil too! Don't use the mechanical one!'" ~Amy Shi from the POV of a wooden pencil
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Andrea: Wanna hear a story?
Me: Sure.
Andrea: Me too! Hahahaha.
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"This is a banana hold up!" ~Amy Shi holding a banana
"Don't give into the temptation of doing homework. Play tetris." ~Klum
"Let the [homecoming] issues slide off your back like an ill-placed punch aimed at Chuck Tuttle's Ninja body." ~Matt Young
"Dude David [Zhao], I want to lick your cock until it falls off." ~David Cheng
"Plus, as Zain Iqbal demonstrates, you can drink extravagant amounts of liquor, smoke all kinds of drugs, and drive (sometimes at the same time it would seem), and still have morals, like not sneaking into movies." ~David Cheng
"The hardest thing about Payette is knowing what to do." ~Carl Yang
"Dog as in D-A-W-G, dawgggg." ~Jason Lee
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Catherine: Justin's response is more substantial.
Andrea: BUT, Allen's response is---
Catherine: Dude, okay, first of all, purple owns orange.
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"We have 3518 pages. Why? Because we are baller status." ~Grace Wang mocking 2nd period English
"Dude, [Tom] you would be good at soccer. You have a big huge flat head." ~Erik Zinn
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"Like... hey, wanna go to the book store and tear out every 59th page in every book?" ~Nina Young
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Charlie: Kevinnn [Gustafson], teach me the way of getting a girlfriend.
Jimmy: If you're asking Kevin, you should ask how to get a boyfriend.
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"Justin, what's NHL mean?" ~Pheobe Lao
"Zinn, you must receive the judgement *headshots Zinn*" ~Tom Li
"Michael, your penis is so small - that's how big your brain is." ~Charlie Lui
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Me: Dude, play Runescape.
Winston: I would, but I'd rather die.
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"Hi Chipotle. Oops. Chipo! Oh my, this is not good." ~Amy Shi
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Great Uncle: I'm 71 and still have a good memory. Why? Because of mahjong. I can feel the mahjong piece, not actually look at it, and tell you what it is. See *takes a piece and feels it* this one is... "san tiao!"
He flips over a piece. It's "san tiao."
Great Uncle: Okay, now pick any one for me to guess.
I pick a piece for him.
Great Uncle: Okay, here goes. *starts to feel the piece* If I guess right, you owe me a hamburger. Oh my, this one's difficult... It's "ba wan!"
He flips it over. It's "bei".
Great Uncle: Aiiyaaaah!
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"BRING THE SALAD I'LL BRING THE FORK AND I'LL EAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF IT." ~Andrea Chen
"[Cal League DOTA rules are out.] This is your new bible. Find loopholes and abuse them." -Eric Lee
"What happens in vent, stays in vent." ~Jerry Yuan
"Hey baby, wanna do a headstack?" ~Jed Huang
"Wanna touch my glock?" ~Jimmy Raack
"Why don't you go long A and I'll flash you baby. Get out of there, it's gonna blow!" ~Max Chang
"Wait for the push. Storm the front!" ~Tom Li
"Seven episodes of Sex and the City while eating chips and yogurt. I'm tired and my stomach hurts. The only reason why I'm still up [at 2:05 am] is because I want to wait until Tiff falls asleep so I can take pictures." ~Michelle Ngo
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Tom: I gave [Winston] my peaches.
Eric Lee: I think I ate them.
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"[Charlie], I'm so going to fork you." ~Connie Yang
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Paulina: Justin, you're a pretty good driver.
I hit the curb.
Victor Lee: You jinxed him!
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I play an extremely loud sound through my mic.
Jed: Who the fuck did that?
Me: Michael.
Jed: Tom, ban Michael.
Tom: It's Justin, but oh wait, Michael, I need to ban you [for not giving me gum] today.
Tom bans Michael.
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"Do you [Ericlee] even know how to use your two balls? (skill in Enfos)" ~Edward Lee
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Jerry: Okay I'm out guys, later.
Eric: Later. Merry Christmas you little mother fucking bitch.
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"Fucking A! I'm pissed off... at SANGEETHA!" ~Chris Yang
"I wanna bang hot chicks. I also want a nipple piercing." ~Eric Lee
"One of my brothers clogged up the toilet with a fat piece of shit. They're both denying it. " ~Tiff Tang
"I believe the pelvis is connected to the collar bone." ~Chris Yang
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Me: Why are you so amazing?
Tushar: Uhm, Indians are born with a gene that codes for it.
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Matt's AFK comment in Ventrilo: "studyin amidst perverts"
"alke rghareph iaghnae gnae aiogjaogiae 098utj aj90ga 09jag09a jaa3wiojg 90ajwg 90aj4eg a904jega 490ej e 90jae4h90j a. Aw, the song is over. If you guys were wondering, I was playing piano on my keyboard. I was pretending to be Mozart. I put hecka feeling into it, like moving my head back and forth and stuff." ~Chris Yang
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Michael: I wonder what would've happened if I stayed in Ohio. There's hella white people, shit.
Chris: You would be a Jew.
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"OH MY GOD, THIS IS MASSIVE! I need to spark note this." ~Winston Chou
"ERIC LUTHER KING" ~Winston Chou
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Dan: People who already took the Payette final shouldn't talk to others about it beause that'll fuck up the curve,
and we all know we need 500+ point curves :[.
Winston: But how can you set the curve, when you cannot... speak?
Winston puts a picture of Neo with his mouth being all fucked up (from the Matrix).
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"[Audition's] a dancing game! You can't get a headshot!" ~Jed Huang
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Me: From now on, you can refer to me as the Champion of Everything.
Hani: Okay, Turdface.
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"Delivered packages to lovely people. It's like I'm a stork!!!" ~Eugenia Ho
"Choose your poison." ~Smeags
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Steph: I come in peace.
I headshot her.
Steph: I said I come in peace, asshole.
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"Can we chill at your house and eat chili?" ~Tom Li
"Just like ten minutes ago, I realized one of my contacts was missing...and I looked everywhere, and I can't find it, and then a thought came to me: what if I swallowed it?" ~Po
"What the fuck is that fat white girl [Stephanie Smith] doing in vent?" ~vhalin
"Hey [Michael], shut the fuck up. Your sister's friend sucked my dick." ~vhalin
"Goddamnit, I want to get "let's get fucked up and die." That's not fair." ~Chris Yang
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Me: You missed 11:11 [pm]. You could've made a wish!
Yuli: I would wish for a Swedish Fish (candy) tree.
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"If I only had to choose one person in the entire world... it would be you." ~Winston Chou
"I can't last more than 5 minutes online without Steph, so make it fast *suffocating.*" ~Brian Ho
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Me: [I'm going to put up your "5 minutes online without Steph" quote in my LJ user info]
Brian: That will cost you 5 [formalheadquarter] coupons.
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"I live faster than you do. I'm one second ahead of you in my house because of time zones." ~Nina Young 12:34:56
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[[[This sounds like a conversation Calvin and Hobbes would have]]]
Nina: I never absorb anything. I'm like metal.
Me: I like metal.
Nina: But sponges are better. [They] absorb everything!
Me: Not really because if you put soap in it, it's hard to wash out the soap if you want it completely clean.
Nina: That's so deep.
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"YOU'RE A BEEF JERKY!" ~Catherine Yu
"I can't even look at you. Come back when you learn to park like a man." ~Winston Chou
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Me: What's polar form?
Tom: What's what?
Me: Polar form.
Stephanie: Chlorophyll?
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On the topic of Heidi Klum:
"I'm going to Klum in your mouth." ~Erik Zinn
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"[Andrew] has a last name?" ~Max! Chang
"Holy shit! Steve got bit in the ankle! Let's run!" ~Max Chang
"I thought this was a cruise, not a beluga watch (referring to an obese woman with thick, THICK arms)." ~Winston Chou
"Imagine you're back in 6th grade at Ryan's birthday party doing all the Matrix stuff. Now, imagine yourself doing it every day for the rest of your life...: CHUCK TUTTLE!" ~Eric Lee
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Michael: Come over right now.
Eric: Can't.
Michael: Why not?
Eric: Naked.
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"The internet knows no bounds, Matthew." ~Max Chang
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A fly flies onto the American flag during history and clings there. Someone tries to get it out the door by hitting the flag. The fly drops down onto the floor and doesn't move.
Tara: You killed our patriotic fly! Nooooooooooo!
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On the subject of donating blood
Me: You can't save the world.
Jessica: I want too save the world!
Kevin Tseng: By giving AIDs?
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Anooj: Have you ever killed an animal?
Zhongli: ...ants.
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Tushar: What color are the vent sweaters?
Me: The color of my pubes.
Tushar: So they're yellow?
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Me: Guys get porn and erotica. Girls get nothing.
Yuli: We get the miracle of birth! GRRRRRRRR!
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"The Big Bang Theory states that I banged your mom." ~Jed Huang
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"Rogue would be hella pissed if she touched [Batman]. Rogue would be like 'What the fuck dude? I don't even have to touch this guy.'" ~Jimmy Raack
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Michael: Winston, I would give you an organ as long as it doesn't kill me.
Winston: Michael, I wouldn't want an organ from you unless it killed you.
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Me: Experimentation leads to AIDs.
Zhongli: Justin, your penis led to my AIDs.
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"Would you rather fight a black guy or a really weak tiger? I would rather fight the tiger because after the black guy kills you, he'll take your money." ~Winston Chou
"Imagine a dildo with razor blades, shrapenel, and sharp jagged pieces of metal all over it. Would you rather be fucked in the ass by that, or would you rather fuck your mom?" ~Wellis Hwang
"Winston, we're going to Korean BBQ tomorrow. Want to come? ... OH SHIT!" ~Tom Li
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*Eric Lee scores a goal in Soccer Jam*
Eric, Tom, some other people, and me in the pub: "GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL!!!" (goes on until we run out of breath)
*the screaming ends*
Everyone stops transmitting in-game voice except for one guy, who has been transmitting Tunak Tunak Tun by Daler Mehndi.
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Jed has flute music playing in his background when he transmits in Vent.
Max!: Is someone watching Looney Toons or something? What the heck is that?
Jed: That's my dad!
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Eric: What else should I add on my iPod?
Me: Porn.
Jed: Porn.
(awkward silence)
Jed: YEAH!
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Ben Lee: What colleges do you guys want to go to?
(talking ensues)
Homer: Don't worry guys. There's always the Corps. Strength for now, strength for later!
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Me: Winston do you still need a ride to orientation because I need to get there pretty early.
Winston: Yeah, I have to go there early.
Me: I'm getting there 8:30.
Winston: ...in the morning?!
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"Do you know what rhymes with beautiful? Feautiful!" ~Christina Yu (Catherine's sister)
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At Elephant Bar with Vent Kru
Waitress: Are you guys ready or do you need a few more minutes?
Eric Lee: We're ready.
Waitress: Okay, I'll give you guys a few more minutes.
Waitress walks away.
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Me: What is the princess's name? (Peach or Princess Toadstool)
Catherine: Princess Maruigi?

Me: What is her dedicated follower's name? (Toad)
Catherine: Mr. Mushroom? Mushroom Head?

Me: Who's the guy who always kidnaps the princess? (Bowser)
Catherine: The Evil Genius?

Me: Who is Mario's evil rival? (Wario)
Catherine: Luigi?

Me: 0/4 = F
Catherine: Why'd I get a F? That's mean. If this goes on my college apps, you're to blame.

Catherine: Who the hell is Wario?
Me: I didn't expect you to get that one. It was a hard question.
Catherine: Who is he though?
Me: He's the fat yellow guy.
Catherine: Luigi's fat!
Me: MARIO'S FAT! LUIGI'S SKINNY!
Catherine: Mario's fat?!
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Ms. Barton: Can anybody name an American territory? (Guam, Virgin Islands, etc)
Jesse: Alaska.
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"I had a dream, and I knew it was a dream because all the Asian girls had big boobs." ~Michael Tran
"We have six people for our jerk circle. Okay, I'll go first. *jerks off Kyle*" ~Liquid
"Be right back, I'm going to mess with my brother's drink. I'm going to spit in it." ~Liquid
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Me: She'd better give you ten blowjobs all in the same day.
Winston: That'd suck so hard.
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"If I'm not sure if it's my Vent sweater, I smell it. If it smells Chinese, I just put it down." ~Eric Lee
"You're a scientologist? YOU... FUCKING... EAT... PLACENTA!!!!!!!!!!!!" ~Tom Li
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Riker: When's your next court date (for DUI)?
RC Cola replies.
Riker: Damn, that's close. Fuck it. Just skip it.
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"Man, I wanna spend a night in jail. I'm lazy." ~Riker
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Me: Is there a state that starts with Y?
Shuo: Wyoming.





Michael Ho Quotes
"My name is Columbus and I will conquer you!"
"Dude, rumors are 90% true."
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Phoebe: Don't worry about the science quiz. It was easy. *points a distance away* Even Michael [Ho] got a 10 on it!
Me: What did you get on the quiz Michael?
Michael: I fucking got a 7! Holy shit!
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"Dude, that's a big screen."
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Tom: What's the capitol of Wyoming?
Michael: Sacramento.
Tom: What's the capitol of Alaska?
Michael: I told you! Sacramento. Stop fucking asking!
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"Does anyone have calculator games and a link?"
"Wanna see my new Pokemon? *shows a picture of a tapioca drink with arms and legs* It's Boba-saur!"
"Who are you going to ask to Junior prom? Oh wait, fuck you."
"Justin, let's open up a tapioca place and call it "Pearls Gone Wild."
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Me: I promised Jessica.
Michael: Jessica's not like the Mafia. You don't have to keep her promises.
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"Ditch that popsicle stick."
"Our video is gonna be cool beans. Not refried, but cool. Freaking cool."
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Carl: I'll give you a dollar if you can name [College X's] head football coach.
Paul Yi: How am I supposed to know?
Michael Ho: Señor Belly Button.
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"Wow. Just wow. Frenching for five minutes? That's like 2 or 3 [Counterstrike] rounds."
"Hey, can gay people solve Rubiks Cubes? NO!"
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Me: What's another word for controversy?
Michael: BITCH!
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"WTF, where's the music coming from?" at a random person's myspace page
"Wow, this guy's a fag. Why doesn't he take off his damn music?"
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Michael: My dick is as big as... the white house.
Dan Sheng: The height is shorter than the length, so that would make it a fucking chode you faggot.
Michael: I mean the length.
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"Witness [Tom's] magnificance, [his] beauty... [his] sexiness."
"I cut off rattlesnake tails and make mocca... mocca... Damnit! What do you call them?"
"My father will kick the crap out of you with a baseball bat."
"I'm not doing any sports senior year. I'm getting FAT for college *lifts shirt and rubs stomach*."
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Tom: Michael, can you send it again?
Michael: Hold up, the bomb's at B.
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Michael: You know, no one's going to use the honor policy right?
Tom: Just be honest, shit.
Michael: Ok fine, I'll be honest. I've masturbated every single day of my life since today.
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Jessica Lau: (as he's walking out the door) Bye Chris [Tandiano]!
Chris walks out without saying anything because apparently he did not hear her.
Michael: Haha, rejected.
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"*squeeze motion near Harry Ching's butt* Fuck it! I'll touch Dippy's [butt], you [Zhongli] do Harry's."
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Tom: So uh Michael, did you finally jack off?
Michael: Hold up.
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Mr. Payette: What goes up and doesn't come down?
Michael: Kelly [Bui]'s weight.
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Mr. Payette: Spell "shop."
Michael: S-H-O-P!
Mr. Payette: Spell "shop."
Michael: S-H-O-P!
Mr. Payette: Spell "shop."
Michael: S-H-O-P!
Mr. Payette: What do you do at a green light?
Michael: ...shop!
Everyone laughes.
Michael: Damnit, I hella thought about it too.
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"What if you had a neighbor like Flanders? I'd shoot him."
"I don't wanna see her fucking Adam's apple. Only men have Adam's apples."
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Winston: Do you even know what a kilt looks like?
Michael: Yes, it's plaid. Shit.
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"Do you know anyone? Who's me?"
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Eric is in Ventrilo under the user name of "michael."
Michael: WHO'S MICHAEL?
Matt: Eric [Lee].
Michael: FINE, I SEE HOW IT IS. I'll be right back.
Two minutes later, Michael comes back under the name of "eric."
Michael: Oh-ho! Hey hey hey!
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Tom: Touch me again and I'll kill you.
Michael: Whatcha gonna do? Awp me?
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"You know what the best terrorist act would be? Make a giant balloon penis and vagina and drop them all over the U.S. Giant balloon penises and vaginas all over. What will Bush do then?"
"I got awped like a little puppy."
"Burritos aren't made out of beef! They're made out of Mexican people!"
"Guys, I made a myspace. I'm going to go put pictures on it. What the? Where is it? Okay, I lost it. I'm going to go make another one."
"Guys, I think it's time for some nostalgic Britney Spears."
"PORN IS A FEELING! NOT TO BE STUDIED!"
"I gotta quote for you. Vagina face!"
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Chris: I'm going to describe Michael Ho in three words. Short retard.
Michael: He has penis.
Chris: Wait, that's two words. Wait... short retarded... retard.
Michael: I got three words to describe you. Ready?
Chris: Yeah.
Michael: Big fat nigger.
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"Fuck! No wonder my ass is stuck to the chair. There's gum on it!"
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[Winston's at my house talking on Ventrilo (under my name)]
Michael: HOLY CRAP IT'S JUSTIN WITH WINSTON'S VOICE?!
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"I found a hot girl but she's not naked. Goddamnit."
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Chris: She's not that hot.
Michael: She's the only one who didn't look like she got hit with a shovel, shit.
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(Tom's talking about his bad grades)
Tom: I blame my genes.
Michael: For what? Your big head?
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"If I pick my nose any deeper, it'll bleed."
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(awkward silence)
Winston: Haha, that was awkward.
Michael: I was picking my nose so I didn't talk.
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Me: What schools are you guys applying to?
Michael: Hogwarts.
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Michael: [Bellotti] only did Matrix: Reloaded?
Me: Yeah.
Michael: I bet he made coffee.
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"What a slut! She probably farts semen."
"Search 'fatass' on Google images. Just do it."
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Michelle Ngo: Boobies are better.
Michael: Nah... I prefer retarded fat kids.
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Michael: I have a refutal for that.
Me: Isn't it rebuttal?
Michael: Fuck you.
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Michael: Can you guys teach me how to rave?
Me: Sure, I'm up for it.
Winston: Move your hands around.
Michael: I can't even do a figure-8.
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"I closed my eyes to fart, and I died in DOTA! HAHAHA! SO RETARDED!"
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Michael: Oh DeShawn. You do me so good.
Winston: Dude, stop it.
Michael: Am I turning you on, Jose?
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(Michael tied his hair striaght up)
Me: What the fuck?
Michael: I'm a paintbrush! :)
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Michael: Eric, can we try an experiment on your cat?
Eric: What would you do?
Michael: Antigravity.
Eric: How would that work?
Michael: The plans are in my livejournal. You'll understand when you see it.
-----
(Talking about how we're screwed for biology.)
Me: What do we do?!
Tom: Murder Payette.
Michael: That's messed up. He has kids.
-----
"Stephanie, are you in here (Vent)? ... ... ... ... [guess] she's not. Bitch."
-----
Me: I have a large, voluptuous head.
Michael: Not like that one *points at Tom.*
-----
"Just because you say something doesn't mean you have to stick with it."
"I meet adversity head-on... like my dick!"
(randomly) "Kevin [Tseng] has small balls!!!"
"...going to Tom with Prom..."
-----
Jon: Don't put 2006. We're not going to make yearly sweaters.
Michael: That's what you think! Come 2007, you're gone! You're gone!
-----
Jason: What do you call a person who jumps to conclusions?
Michael: Conclusion jumper.
-----
"Ohhhhhhh, Bowser!"
"(freestyling) Carl Yang gets no girls. His pubic hair has curls."
"[Who the hell's listening to music? I don't know where it's coming from.] Deborah, are you listening to music? ...jiu zhi dao (just as I suspected!)!"
"You know what sucks? Sucking Shaquille O'Neal's penis."
"If a gay guy came to your house and asked you to sign some petition legalizing... some gay shit or whatever, would you sign it?"
"Haha, my penis is faster to rise than your FAT ASS!"
"You know what's poetic? The sound of your face getting squished against a black womans ass... WHILE YOU EAT HER SHIT"
-----
Me: Hi Stephanie.
Tom: Slut.
Michael: I want to fuck you.
-----
Me: What size [sweaters] do you guys want?
Michael: Small, like my dick.
-----
"I'm going to shove syringes in your penis."
"That my friend, is a double fucking whammy." (on the topic of these two ugly people)
-----
Me: Time to download... some music!
Eric Lee: I thought he was going to say porn.
Michael: Oh yeah? Time to download... PORN!
-----
"I want to rub my nose up and down your buttcrack."
"Haha, the person who wrote our biology book was called Benjamin Cummings. Hahahahaha."
"I'm going to put God all over your face. Ohhhhhhh."
-----
Tom: You come from this little pussy ass island, and you're calling ME retarded?
Michael: Hey, at least from my country, they don't have sex with yaks!
-----
"I've got my Vans on but they look like sneakers!"
-----
Jessica: Michael has boobies!
Michael: Yeah, 'cuz you don't!
-----
Michael: It's scientifically proven that if you wipe 5 times, you're guaranteed to wipe it all off.
Max: That's not true.
Michael: Maybe it's 5.2.
-----
On the subject of the skeleton
Michael touching himself: Who wants to touch my sternum?
-----
Michael trying to own Dan
-----
Michael: Not to be a dick, but who the hell would name their kid Malcolm X?
Me: Malcolm Little. He changed his name because he wanted to get rid of his "slave" last name.
Michael: Uhhh... so? He used X. What a fag.
-----
"I like things that start with n. Niggers... nutella....... niggers."
-----
Michael: Dan, come to chat. I have to tell you something.

'axis' has joined the chat.
'spykid' has joined the chat.
spykid: your body is a wonderland, baby
'axis' has left the chat.
-----
Debate about guns killing people rather than people killing people.

Michael: What happens if you throw a gun at a tree and the safety magically turns off and a branch pulls the trigger. What then? Guns kill people!
Me: ...the tree killed the person.
Michael: Oh. Damnit.
-----
Winston: Would you rather lose all the bones in your body, or all the muscles?
Michael: Bones. At least I can flop around like a slug.
-----
[classic Michael Ho; from freshman? year]
Tom: Would you kill someone for a million dollars and no one would find out?
Michael: Yes, if no one finds out, it's okay :-).
Tom: Cool.
Michael: Well, depends who.
Tom: Someone you don't know.
Michael: Okay. I'd rape them first though.
Tom: ..
Michael: Yep. In the ass.
-----
"In Africa, they have no hackey sacks. Instead, they play with elephant nuts!"
"Administrate, administrate!" Talking to Jerry regarding an unknown person by the name of Connie in Vent. It was Eric Lee.
-----
Tom: Hey did you see Jerry's post?
Us: Yeah, [Suri Cruise is] so cute.
Michael: Yeah, I'd fuck her.
-----
Michael: Hey Tom, want my math homework? That's right!
Tom: Hey Michael, I have you math homework! Want your math homework back? Huh? Huh?
Everyone: You're so stupid Michael.
Michael: I forgot that I gave it to him :(.
-----
Eric: OMG my computer froze!
Michael: Hurry up Eric! Give me control!
-----
"Somewhere out there, someone has probably stuck their dick in a meat blender."
"Dude, I wanna run a prison where everyone wears a penis suit."
-----
Me: I need to poop.
Michael: Oh yeah! I need to poop too!
-----
Tom: Did you guys know that dolphins are the only animal besides humans that enjoy sex?
Michael: Wait, so when I have sex with horses, they're not enjoying it?
-----
"Somewhere out there, there's Siamese-twin porn, and I'm going to find it."
"You know what always brings a smile to my face? Seeing little girls cry!"





Quotable Teacher Quotes
Jason Chang: What about if you need a green card?
Ms. Murphy (8th grade history): What? Condom?"
-----
"It's time to play the fastest growing sport in America: Pickle Ball." ~Mr. Vaz (sophomore PE)
"0-60 (Murcielago) << 0-60 (my car)" ~Mihir (SAT Math teacher) during his lecture
-----
Amy Shi: What's the opposite of a nerd?
Ms. Waller (junior English): I dunno... Someone cool?
-----
Dr. Fry (AP Stats): Kevin Tseng, did you do your stats?
Kevin: Yes.
Bo: Liar.
Dr. Fry: Carl, did you do your stats?
Carl: No.
Fry walking away, shaking his head: At least [Carl] told the truth.
-----
Teacher Lin's (Mandarin 3) most favorite joke of all time. The whole time she's saying it, she's laughing so hard because it's so funny to her.
A man in a helicopter is flying over Seattle. He gets lost and flies near a Microsoft building. He writes on a sign and holds it up. It says "Where am I?" The people inside the building write on a sign in response. What did it say? "You are in a helicopter."





Giraffe Quotes
Note- Before this conversation, he was singing those diarrhea jokes.
Me: I see London, I see France, I see Calvin's underpants.
Calvin: I see Justin, I see France, I see.... diarrhea! HAHAHA!
-----
Me: Myspace is for losers.
Eric: Myspace is for losers!
Alyssa: You have a Myspace.
Eric: ...yeah.
-----
Daisy wrote "I need help!" on her eraser and kept showing it to me when she needed help. So cute. Then later, Benjamin wrote it on his hand and showed it to me when he needed help. Not cute.
-----
Daisy: I need help!
Me: With what?
Daisy: I'm hungry.
-----
"Wouldn't it be cool if I drew something on the ground and it came alive?" ~Andrew Kuo, 2nd grade? Fucking annoying cute prick.
-----
Daisy comes up to me for help.
Me: Go ask Jamie (tutor).
Daisy goes to Jamie.
Jamie points to Frank (tutor).
Daisy goes to Frank.
Frank points to Angela (tutor).
Daisy goes to Angela.
Angela points to me.
Daisy comes to me.
-----
"Teacher, how much did you weigh when you were pregnant?" ~Howard Liu, 5th grade baller
"What's the abbreviation for manager? Is it 'man?'" ~Tiffany
-----
Me: I bet you 50 dollars that you can't find pi.
Howard: I'll find it!
Teacher: Go to the other room Howard.
Howard: Hold on, I'm finding pi.
-----
Daisy was reading a book flat on the desk. She was too lazy to hold the pages from flopping up so she put two Starbursts on the corners to pin them down.
-----
Daisy: I need help!
Me: With what?
Daisy: I'm cold!
-----
Esther: What are the five senses?
Me: Sight, touch, smell, taste, hearing.
Joshua: Don't forget ESP. ESP to know what gun your enemy's carrying. ESP to know how much ammo and health they have left. ESP to know if they have an AWP or not.
-----
Alex Chen (5th grader) had to brainstorm about what career he wanted to pursue. He put "marine biologist." When Frank (tutor) corrected his paper, he crossed out "marine biologist" and wrote "fireman." Alex got mad, erased the "fireman," then returned his paper. Frank crossed out "marine biologist" again and put "policeman."
-----
Me: Is this Angel's sweater? (she already left, and I really don't like her)
Teacher: Yeah, just leave it.
Alex (teacher's son): Leave it and let it rot!
-----
Me: Are you going to join the army, Betty?
Betty (tutor who works with me, sophomore): No. I'm a woman. I'm frail.





Wanda Kao Quotes
"YOU BREAD THEM, THEN YOU FRY THEM."
"If you kill yourself, you go to hell."
"Can we pause [the movie] so I can tell a story?"
"WE SHOULD PUT CINNAMON AND SUGAR ON THIS BREAD!"
"My fingers are short and fat... THANKS TO MY MOM!"
"I don't like it when it's dark. It makes me feel like my vision is blurred."



"Where's my cake you son of a gun!" ~Oscar to Nam
"Together we'll be JT!" ~Tarannum talking to me about an alliance in Risk

Nam to me: Does your ass hurt? [because of the previous Dragon Boat practice]
Me: Nope.
Ching: I can't relate, having never been raped.

"I want boobs. Should I get boobs?" ~Nam